Sacred Prostitute Chronicles Part 5:(Revised)

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗗𝗮𝗿𝗸 𝗦𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗦𝗲𝘅 𝗜𝗻𝗱𝘂𝘀𝘁𝗿𝘆. 𝗠𝘆 𝗢𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗶𝗻 𝗦𝘁𝗼𝗿𝘆

Part 5:A Sex Workers Childhood: A Common and Untold Story

What does healing mean?

The Etymology of this word means whole. Etymology is the study of the origin of words.

When we don’t express who we are, the truths we leave behind are the pieces that make us feel incomplete.

Who are we without our stories or tale of our hero’s journey? We return to innocence, a time where we can make decisions from a place of embodied choice.

When we are children, we say no more than we say yes, until we experience events that shock our nervous system.

We eventually go from being a no human to a yes robot.

In some cases, we hide our true authenticity due to the rules of society.

Important things that are important to say go left unsaid.

We grow up with glamorizing secrets. I went to a museum called Post Secrets. It amazes me how people make secrets a common human social norm.

Secrets become how we develop trust. Whispering in each other's ears to create a connection.

Until we start sharing, vulnerability becomes sensitive in most households of keeping those feelings stuffed internally.

Those feelings are what create dis-ease in the body. Acupuncturists study it in Chinese medicine and study emotion as a pathogen.

Most schools don’t teach us how to feel.
Due to this, the increase in bullying, teen suicide, and teen pregnancy is high.

Growing up in a machismo environment, most family members told me to keep my sexual abuse a secret for many years.

Before the abuse, I was taught not to cry.

My P.E. teacher in 6th grade found me crying and taught me the first lesson of life:

“Bottle your feelings inside. Big girls don’t cry”.

As someone who currently works around the emotional body, most of our sickness and diseases come from the emotions we avoid.

We tell our minds to block out certain memories to feel safe.

That’s not what’s helping us cope with trauma.

Anger, sadness, anxiety are treated with heavy medication, lots of movies, and fatty foods. That is even more of a fact if you live in America.

Some members of our society look at emotions as “She/He’s too sensitive.”

The moment I told the truth about my abuse to my mother, I was angry and scared.

It was raining, and I was at a point where my health was not the best.

I was sleeping in class for the sake of my stepfather waking me up to abuse and harass me.

I got bullied by girls with my own skin color and was told I was not Latina enough. White kids told me I didn’t make sense. So words became a weird code to crack.

I eventually cracked the code when I told the truth to my mom. I believed if I did I might go to California where I can spend time with my aunt and uncle.

My mind saw the truth as a vacation to sunny California, not as an initiation to my healing journey.

Lithuania Healing

When I was in the sex industry, I chose not to have a diary or journal to write.

These chronicles have been my diary to express the deep unconscious I carried for years.

The more I write this I shed the secrets away from my body.
Shame does not do the body good.
It eats away its life force energy.

When we share the secrets in our head, it does two things:

1. It heals ourselves and the village

2. It shows how we can be the author of our own lives and change the story. As the saying goes, “what wires together, fires together”.

I chose not to have a diary in the industry for fear someone would turn me in or gossip about me.

I cared more about my friend's thoughts than my own self. Shame enprisons you then shapes you up to becoming a people-pleaser inmate.

That’s far away from the frequency of a self-pleasure shaman. When you become a self-pleasure shaman, you don’t even flinch when the energy of shame visits. You become triggerless.

That is the biggest practice of a self-pleasure shaman: Becoming Unfuckwithable as Vishen Lakshami wrote in the book of the Extraordinary Mind.

Til this day I admit, I have triggers.

I am now exploring sexual healing in my 30s, very different from my teen years. I am re-engineering my healing through writing this for myself and the village.

The path to self-pleasure shaman takes courage and elegant vulnerability.

As we return to the my first year of sex work, I gave more power to others than into my mental healthcare.

Instead of investing in a therapist or coach, I gave it to my friends.

I lied to myself thinking “I love to gift my friends money” when I subconsciously was buying their love.

I gave them rides, bought them food, gave them money to keep my secret to the grave.

I created that secret soul contract with my shadow self.
My shadow self to this day is a frienemy now becoming
my teacher of soul integration work.

I let some people insult me, call me names, use me, and/or dispose of me.
As you notice I used the word “me” a lot to convey the energy of the ego.

Sometimes the ego falls into the mindset of the self-saboteur. The one getting in the way from a higher divine purpose.

The truth is I prostituted myself in all areas of my life.

The saying goes, “How you do one thing is how you do everything.”

When I was vulnerable, my dance friend said to me, “Erikaa, never share your story online. People are going to judge you. Don’t tell anyone your business.”

So I did…I carried it all inside my organs: the spleen, liver, the heart.

What was being hit the hardest was my soul body.

The soul becomes imprinted with so many memories that it shows up in the Akashic record realm.

It’s known as a soul library with every recorded thought and action from the past, present, and future self.

When the soul does something with no alignment and says yes to the things that feel like shit, that soul remembrance goes into the Akashic records.

Everything goes into that living soul library. As a Mexican woman, death facinates me. My ancestors celebrate the day of the dead.

When we celebrate the dead, we give offerings to our ancestors to help them transition into the afterlife. We give them candies, drinks, we adorn, and create beautiful altars for them.

One piece missing from this celebration is honoring our temple first, forgiving ourselves, and treating ourselves as sacred before we offer anything.

Hermes said “As above, so below, as within, so without, as the universe, so the soul…” My interpretation of this relates to what’s inside our subconsious becomes magnified on the outside.

How we treat ourselves shows up in how we treat others. How we worship, and make love is how we show up in our magnetism.

Our divinity starts with our inner child. Our inner child is our inner artist or our God self. My beautiful inner child was begging me to do something different.

Growing up, I remember making fake commercials with my friend at the time. I loved being creative. It was my natural energy signature.

Creativity is as natural as a child drinking from a firehose. It's a stream of overflow. And this energy is part of our sex.

This energy is what recharged my energy back to life. It felt like having the angels perform a spiritual defibrillator on my energetic chest. Pumping my chest with the lightning of energy to remind me to WAKE UP!

When I started this journey I had a vision. All my visions were written on a whiteboard.

I bought Sony Vegas editing software from my teaching job and was wired. Not from the caffeein. I was wired from purpose.

Before I agreed to leave my Nuru massage roommate for a month, I was editing videos for LatinaSkin.TV

YouTube at the time was a new platform. There was no Garry Vee or big influencers at the time. Not from my understanding. All I knew was I loved editing and storytelling.

Before I agreed to go to Vilnius, Lithuania, I made a travel blog on a trip I took to New York City. It was all paid for by a client. Keeping that a secret was challenging since I wanted to stay up all night, flirt, and dance.

Except what people didn’t know was people only saw the highlight reel. They saw a boldsy woman with a Go Pro. I talked to strangers and did risky Gorilla style shots while on the subway.

What others don’t know is I had a client paying me to be his personal happy ending concierge. Sometimes he woke me up in the morning for a massage, cuddles, and sensual lingam massage.

The good news is I was not exchanging sex for money. That was my boundary at the time. My boundary in the sex industry eventually changed year by year.

The sex industry will change anyone who goes from sex worker to self-pleasure shaman.

As you are on this journey with me, you will notice you will also evolve as this narrative takes shape.

When I did these massages I would dream with my head the cloud. I had a dream that I would move out from my Nuru massage roommate's place and travel all over the world with my blogs and videos, and become insta-famous.

Little did I know, I was thinking very small. My intentions were to escape, we all know fame only amplifies who you already are now.

As above, so below, as within, so without.

When I started this dream, I created a beautiful logo and made shirts for the top dancers. I bought a new film camera with a dream.

All I knew was I wanted to develop my own film company.

Before writing this, I resisted this part of my chronicle.

The old Erikaa would come back to convince me it’s not safe, or I would lose all my friends.

The voice of shame is harmful to our health.

We must remember that our soul lead us to decisions from a bigger why. A bigger why that is not focused on extrinsic values like money or fame.

Extrinsic value is ego-driven, and becomes the magnetic frequency where like attracts like.

Obeying the ego does not change the world.

This is why meditation and Tantra are important practices to our journey; it allows us to witness the important and unimportant voice.

Meeting my first mentor

My friend George was a producer in Lithuania.

He worked with tons of artists, musicians, and dancers. He mentioned that he would love to mentor me and introduce me into creating videos for depressed unhappy women in their marriages.

These women by law could not leave their marriage, and later check in to specific facilities where they learn to be good lovers. They would learn specific sex techniques like oral, hand jobs, and intercourse.

And these facilities needed instructors to teach it. Unlike webcam or Porn videos. These facilities had instructors learn specific techniques that can end up help save other women’s marriages.

While I’m not a fan of the laws, I thought I could learn something. I also went since there was a possible payment compensation.

Once I had that offer with this man building his film career, I thought we shared something in common: creativity and sex.

George proposed that if I get a plane ticket, then I can stay with him in Lithuania to edit, and do buisness.

After I booked the flight, I was ready for vacation and some mentorship. I told myself vacation, for I was shy to admit I was terrified to film or be on camera.

The last thing I wanted was to go from nuru-massage to possible porn star for these depressed housewives. When I got to Vilnius, Lithuania, I became depressed and anxious.

Before I met George, I studied his videos, and resonated with his work. I had many late nights chatting with him and reading my material on all the things pleasure.

I gained a skill of pleasuring men.
Sex was like food.

Once I got to Lithuania I had some problems with my luggage, so used that as a excuse for retail therapy. The one thing I was not a fan of was cooking.

George made this vacation more of a personal development trip when I easily got triggered. He frequently asked me, “Are you okay” and I lashed out on him.

We developed an intimate relationship almost like husband and wife.
I had a lot on my mind. I was very private, and wanted no one to know
my anxiety from my roommate back home.
I flinched any moment he asked about my mother and father.
While the sexual encounters felt natural for me, the intimacy
was where I avoided most of myself.
I was good at avoiding by sleeping. Now trauma experts will see this
as a trauma response.

I was avoiding the deep emotions I wanted to confront.

After my jet lag shifted, I still slept a lot during the morning. Eventually, George would ask, “Are you okay?” several times.

Every time I heard George ask me about my emotional well-being, I would become defensive and dramatic.

I didn’t particularly appreciate that he was trying to be a father to me.

I wouldn’t say I liked that he was digging into my past.

I did not like this thing called “feelings”

I buried them as I did when I was a child. Hiding secrets was part of my conditioning.

The only thing I told George was that I had a roommate back home that made things difficult for me.

George wanted to help. Except I felt too guilty that I didn’t want to involve him or anyone.

I did not treat myself as sacred, and that is the lesson of this story is treating yourself like a God Damn Queen.

Hollywood brainwashes us with tons of popstars and ideas that fame will buy happiness. At the time I was 25 and done with being the good girl. I played her well up until I got into this industry.

Guilt and shame suppressed my anger. It was a heavy emotion rocking me back into a deep unrestful sleep.

I became a victim of circumstances.

I had no idea that choice was an option.

When I say choice, I mean the choice that I can do better, that I can find my higher calling.

When you have the mind of someone living a double life, options feel like a multiple-choice test with the clock ticking, and feeling pressured to make a decision quickly.

Some of my choices came from the projections I had on men and woman. After working with George day after day I started making risky choices.

When I felt abandoned I not only ran away, I did it in a very irresponsible manner.

One rainy day in Vilnius, I was upset with George. I felt not heard and hurt. I projected all my anger onto him.

The next thing, I knew I decided to find another place to stay. I met a stranger near a lake who was very kind. I shares my sob story and asked him if I can stay with him. I had no cellphone. I had no money.

That is the voice of abandonment. As a woman, that is a choice never to make
even on your worst day.

As above, so below, as within, so without.

This was before Bumble and Tinder.

My mindset was twisted and wounded.

I wanted to get off the idea of George worrying for me.

I believed if people were searching for me, then I would be loved.

The idea of running away gave me a sense of energy.

It was all inauthentic. My behavior came from avoiding looking at my past.

What I needed was for someone to understand me without judgment.

The wiring of hiding secrets became part of my identity and philosophy. That philosophy hurt me in the long run.

I operated from the wounded feminine, trying to create a more difficult situation for myself.

When one keeps their secrets and vulnerability inside, then one becomes a monster to themselves. One starts living with a stranger except the stranger becomes them.

If you have not watched “Fight Club” then this quote will highlight how this feels. I will not give any spoilers, all I will tell you is watch “Fight Club”

Jim Carrey said, “Depression is your body saying, ‘I don’t want to be this character anymore. I don’t want to hold up this avatar that you’ve created in the world. It’s too much for me.”

In some case studies, people become drug addicts, go to prison, or commit suicide. In my case, I was prostituting myself. Anyone can prostitute themselves by doing something they don’t love.

I will say this again, I am not writing this to shame sex workers, I am here to share that people go through various phases of their hero’s journey. Part of the hero’s journey requires discovering one’s own antagonist with in this journey.

Creativity on this journey was my drug of choice.

It was a way I was able to cope. I am put on this planet to allow others to heal their sexuality through stories of my truth.

Lithuania was my calling card. I saw it as a exit strategy or way to escape my reality. I knew I wanted to create videos and produce. While I learned a lot of skills in media, there was a deeper soul lesson.

George was placed on my path, to teach me more than the busness side of editing or the medical field. He taught me about becoming a woman.

Before I left Lithuania, I apologized to George for my behavior, and instead of being met with anger, he saw me for who I was.

He saw my kindness, creativity, and loving nature.

George always reminded me of the blessing I brought to him and others.

To this day, he still tells me, “Do you know how much of a blessing you were?” and “how much joy you brought to our lives?”

Before writing this portion of my chronicles, I reached out to George, asking him about his experience of me at the time.

All he had to say was the blessing I was, and I was in emotional distress. He knew all along of my suffering.

When one encounters trauma, one’s mind will look for the bad.

Our mind goes to search for what’s not working instead of what is working for us.

We must remember this is happening for me, not to me.

When I first traveled to Europe, my focus was culture, film, and dancing.

While I learned a lot about producing and editing, I realized that the important gift as a creative is vulnerability. Brene Brown says it’s the key that unlocks innovation.

Without vulnerability, the best poets, singers, and writers of the world are incapable of expressing humanity’s saddest tragedies and iconic playwrights.

William Shakespeare wrote “King Lear” during the Black Plague.

Anne Franke wrote during the Holocaust to share the most important piece of our history.

When I wrote this a year after the Pandemic, I knew that humanity is in gratitude of creatives. After the world was grieving loss after loss and seeing the health industry filled up with Covid patients, humanity was ready for something beautiful.

Having a good story to read is beautiful for the mind.The type of beautiful that a woman can wake up to believe that she is more than her potential.

Sometimes a candle in a dark room gives us hope of warmth. It is my hope that this story gives you the kind of warmth to know, miracles can happen. That there is a beatiful and magical life after sex-work.

When you become a self-pleasure shaman, there is no negative mindset around the past.

When seeing our past from the lens of the child, we can become more forgiving to our emotions.

A parent would not shame a child for their upsets. We must parent our past the way we do our loved ones.

At the time of being in Vilnius, Lithuania, I felt relaxed and happy all over again. I gained a sense of purpose.

I believed film and storytelling was my destiny. I was confident in the projects I was going to create. The truth is, I had my head in the clouds, and was looking for the easy short-cuts out of the industry.

Remember there are no short-cuts to your sexual healing.

After Vilnus, I traveled to Paris, and made love near the louvre. I was making videos, and felt confident again.

Once I came back home from Paris, I walked into my room with hope, except Jez guest destroyed my room. Hope showed up as a reality check with Jez being the other monster in my world.

Anxiety and despair quickly came back. I was ready to move again and play the game of money.

Part 6: Salsa, Homelessness, and the Golddiggers of San Diego